Hello, can you hear me. It's me Jason. Well anyway I cant think straight these days. My future is planned I feel really strong about it all. It seems so perfect, but again in my head I keep going over and over these scenarios about getting hurt. Yea sure I could get hurt physically out here but there’s something greater than that. You can easy rip me apart, and I’m so scared that’s going to happen. No I don’t think it’ll happen at all I'm just terrified of what it would feel like. This is the most involved relationship I’ve ever been. I've never thought I would ever be talking of future plans, for that matter apartments at all. I’ve grown depressed not so much because of my fear but because I hope I really hope that I can provide for you. I wont always be there and that worries me because I want to be . I've noticed we aren’t talking as much, maybe because you super busy with school. But I really miss it I really miss you I really love you. I'm a wreck a freight train already crashed. It's not you its me, its not me its Iraq, its not Iraq, it's life.
So as you can tell I’ve become normal in the past few weeks, numb to all worries well trying to. I just tell myself all things will be bright. The so called light of perfection is all around me. I think of all the possible scenarios that could bring upon my doom. Hell yea DOOM. One repeated scenario is that our relationship becomes stale and old because of the ripping distance between us, I wish I could build a bridge back to you 5000 miles away. God that would just make our lives so much easier. Wishful thinking.
So hear I am on the brink of tears constantly. Thinking, thinking of all that I've been through. I wish I knew what was at the end of all this waiting. I wish I could see the oncoming events of my life.
Today is exceptionally bad at the mere fact that Halloween is the mark of the holiday season. Every holiday that’s important to family and love. I will not take part. I'll put on hold the embracing hugs, the sensual kisses. Replace them with routine, and scheduled insanity. All I have to control myself area few pictures and blog. I doubt you’ve read this far.
I love crazy, I love chaos, I love outside of the box, but most of all "I love you" to give effect say the quotes in a whisper. This real now, finally it doesn’t feel like a fad. I’m in it for the eternal run none of this long run bullshit. Want I want is a family to protect, support, and love. Damn I'm emotional. More so than most. Keep writing.


"If you stray, I'll be hear waiting. If you stick it out I'll be there waiting. If you question I'll be there to answer"

So Sgt. Mocanu is having a baby....It's a great thing. In the back of my mind I say. "Dammit, I hate him. I want a child" I firmly believe I’m ready. Id put everything I could possibly put into that child. NOW...... ; )

Weekends suck for me out here...there’s no real difference. Its just I wish I could go out on the town with you at least once in awhile. Except I get to think about which guy has his eye on you not you on him but him on you. Lets say you walk to the bar right. You know there is one guy in that bar that wants to take you to his car. That scare the hell out of me...Man I’m jealous...Ah I know what I'll do I bottle it up ha-ha that helps all situations.




Hurry up crush me .




I love you…so much that I cant control myself anymore. So much I cant function. So much that I’d die for it……Man that’s rather stalkerish.

"GODDESS"

"Goddess"

I don't think I've ever been so affected by one person in my life...Usually its events that completely turn your life around...well for me its a person.......PERIOD!!!

"ORANGE"

COP MEADE

Cop Meade - We've just recently moved to a new sector i may have mentioned it before but oh well...

Our living conditions have improved immensely. We live in small white trailers with AC and heating its a pretty good deal but they are meant for two people and we have about 4 crammed sometimes 5....kind of cramped but hey im not complaining.


So these past few weeks that i have been back in the trechearous desert. Ive come to realize sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and listen. No matter how bad it hurts to take a beating just sit there and listen. The greatest skill that a man can posses is to listen and learn. Where this came from well, its been kinda boring here we have a three day on three day off rotation. With many patrols of pointless driving with not one clue of a destination. "At one point i found myself having an Iraqi lunch sitting in a house talking battle with an old Saddam army vet. He served his time in the Iran Iraq war in the 90's. Then after he passed me some undercooked chicken i asked him if he was in Desert Storm he had no comment.. Im sure his pride got the best of him. Considering then men hes eating luch with no less then two yrs ago were at each others throats with weapons. This is not longer a conventional war and it hasnt been for quite some time. Anywho no more census which is amazing. But theres one huge problem with this sector....There are no Enemy..there are no firefights like previous deployments. Just farmers and families trying to make a living cultivating the land like its the end of the world.. Oh but there are two enemies i forgot to mention...IED's now these ieds arent your ordinary ieds. There's no trigger man theres no spotter just a pressure wire. the special thing is however the fact that most of these ieds have been placed over two yrs ago in 05 - 06...so now we are getting blown up for no reason at all...theres no one to pursecute there's noone to shoot at no doors to kick in...You just take it and hope to god you come out alive. Lucky for me i havnt experienced one this deployment...Yet!!


The second Enemy - Myself im at a constant struggle to maintain my sanity out here...The petty arguements we get in ; ) are no big deal and at times im a wuss but its like being kicked when your down...its no big deal anyway ive listened to the same CD- AS I LAY DYING's An Ocean Between us about 55 times now and the album is better then ever...But anyway im trying to find ways to occupy my time..i use the internet sure i talk to stephanie..but the stress level we both have is i can tell taking its toll. Just dig deep bite your tongue and get through it....Keep on Keepin on....Her heavy work load...my lack of motivation sometimes well just doesnt mix but that the deployment talking im looking forward to the simple life I'd say.....Meet you there........I love you...even as a panzy....zxzx

Our heads are like a factory filled over capcity = FIRE HAZARD

Okay. Its been quite awhile since ive written on here. Let's see if I still Have it. Im now on the backside of deployment number two. I've done hundreds of patrols but the end is in sight.

Ive recently herd of a word murky. I cannot say i will not say. As far as any person can see life has its ups and downs. The highs are great but only seem to last minutes while the downs lasts for months even yrs. I can only say just take it in strive. And lately its been hard on both of us, but thats or road.

Think of it this way right now we are going through the hardest times in our lives i think.

In regards to my desicion, I have chosen to stay un the military for about a yr and a half past my original contract.. The paper work has been initiated I will be moving to North Carolina and the 82nd Airborne division. So then ive done every type of infantry work avaliable ffrom "Air Assault" to Mechinized to now Airborne its been a wild ride and i think its for the best. Help me get my head straight.

Ok so i got off subject a little. Heavy work loads suck belive me they really can put some intense stress on youre shoulders...But its only going to make you stronger. Theres no way but up...I promise.....

Love


p.s. this is just a warm-up its been quite a while since ive done this i will be back...now that im setteled and have pictures on my wall : ))) KD