ITS ALMOST 2009

Its almost 2009 and im going to bring in the new year with an all to familiar feeling of distance, and seperation. Peppered with alittle stagnantness if thats a word. It should be...But it's not all bad because this time im bringing in the new year being loved, and well i smile on a regualr basis out here which is always a good thing these days.

People these days are so focused on the bad in situations including myself and well think its becasue we surround ourselves with depression and well horrible pictures. Look whats on the news constantly although old W getting socked with a pair of shoes is pretty hilarious there's still obviously people on his bad side....

Anyway ive been reading alot of books lately well at least all the ones sent out to me...and Plus i have a sweetr 12 string guitar out here so im gonna be writing tons again...

TODAY"S A GOOD DAY .......



11 ILY :

DEC 6th 2005.....at 0130

It has been exactly three years since my dear friend and roommate Thomas Seikert..felt so useless to take his own life with his own rifle exactly 3 feet away from where i sat..

I wish i could tell what was running through his head as he stuck the barrel in his mouth i really do. The worst part is i froze and just watched him crumble to the ground, i did nothing to help i did nothing try and save him.. although after a while i did get his pulse and a while i mean about 2 minutes and thirty seconds. And I'm sorry to say but those where the longest two minutes of my life and the next three months after that was the worst part of my life. I was 19...

For hat he did i was looked at for murder, attempted suicide, and well personally i felt i neglected the poor guy. I definitely didn't see it coming..


RIP - Thomas Seikert Dec 6th 2005 at 0130 Bayji, Iraq 20 yrs old

WAR I

Just a little insight into the difference between last deployment and this one. The stories I'll be writing are all true and every detail is an exact recollection of the events....thats my idea of a "based on a true story" caption.... hahah



Last deployment I met a guy named Baughman. He was a Specialist E-4 type. He was quite the character.


Well we were stringing up C-wire (barbed wire) on top of a section of new wall that kept getting destroyed by the scaling Anti-Iraqi Forces (AIF). We had been at it all day. It must have been 130 degrees so we were taking a risk by not wearing our vests. As i recall we said FUCK THAT!!..SO we take this 5 minute break back when i was a hell of a smoker..He pulls these fresh moist smelling REDS straight from america by way of care package. I said "OH YOU BASTARD" holdin out on me. haha So we sit there staring out at the city from the outside of the wall. Theres about 300 meters to the nearest city building.


We here this whistling its pretty faint and it only lasted about 5 seconds (mortar) For those who dont know are pretty creepy the whining flying handgrenades basically launched from about 400 meters away probably. Anyway we he the whistling well its more of a whoosh/whistle.. And basically it was to late and we had no where to go....


Luckily it hit some soft sand about 45 meters from us...It made a big poof of dust but no explosion. We look at each and say "Holy Shit..." "dude i think i shit my pants" And wouldnt you have it there was an 80 mm Mortar sticking right of the ground waving its retarded tail fin at us. Basically w4e smaked a whole pack of REDS in about 30 min after that... This was many close calls i had not so much for my dear friend Baughman....



One week later Baughman was killed when we were on a patrol on Market street in Bayji, Iraq.


Killed in a complex ambush at high noon by two Anit-Tank grenades thrown at his Humvee. Basically taking off the back of his head...NOT glorious at all but he had all the glory in the world..


REST IN PEACE BROTHER...



Most stories i have end kinda crazy a couple bad and a couple worse but the point is to show the difference between these deployments.

Endlessly.....

"Endlessly"

There's a part of me you'll never know
The only thing I'll never show

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

It's plain to see it's trying to speak
Cherished dreams forever asleep
Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
But the moment never comes



It's a good one!

Hello, can you hear me. It's me Jason. Well anyway I cant think straight these days. My future is planned I feel really strong about it all. It seems so perfect, but again in my head I keep going over and over these scenarios about getting hurt. Yea sure I could get hurt physically out here but there’s something greater than that. You can easy rip me apart, and I’m so scared that’s going to happen. No I don’t think it’ll happen at all I'm just terrified of what it would feel like. This is the most involved relationship I’ve ever been. I've never thought I would ever be talking of future plans, for that matter apartments at all. I’ve grown depressed not so much because of my fear but because I hope I really hope that I can provide for you. I wont always be there and that worries me because I want to be . I've noticed we aren’t talking as much, maybe because you super busy with school. But I really miss it I really miss you I really love you. I'm a wreck a freight train already crashed. It's not you its me, its not me its Iraq, its not Iraq, it's life.
So as you can tell I’ve become normal in the past few weeks, numb to all worries well trying to. I just tell myself all things will be bright. The so called light of perfection is all around me. I think of all the possible scenarios that could bring upon my doom. Hell yea DOOM. One repeated scenario is that our relationship becomes stale and old because of the ripping distance between us, I wish I could build a bridge back to you 5000 miles away. God that would just make our lives so much easier. Wishful thinking.
So hear I am on the brink of tears constantly. Thinking, thinking of all that I've been through. I wish I knew what was at the end of all this waiting. I wish I could see the oncoming events of my life.
Today is exceptionally bad at the mere fact that Halloween is the mark of the holiday season. Every holiday that’s important to family and love. I will not take part. I'll put on hold the embracing hugs, the sensual kisses. Replace them with routine, and scheduled insanity. All I have to control myself area few pictures and blog. I doubt you’ve read this far.
I love crazy, I love chaos, I love outside of the box, but most of all "I love you" to give effect say the quotes in a whisper. This real now, finally it doesn’t feel like a fad. I’m in it for the eternal run none of this long run bullshit. Want I want is a family to protect, support, and love. Damn I'm emotional. More so than most. Keep writing.


"If you stray, I'll be hear waiting. If you stick it out I'll be there waiting. If you question I'll be there to answer"

So Sgt. Mocanu is having a baby....It's a great thing. In the back of my mind I say. "Dammit, I hate him. I want a child" I firmly believe I’m ready. Id put everything I could possibly put into that child. NOW...... ; )

Weekends suck for me out here...there’s no real difference. Its just I wish I could go out on the town with you at least once in awhile. Except I get to think about which guy has his eye on you not you on him but him on you. Lets say you walk to the bar right. You know there is one guy in that bar that wants to take you to his car. That scare the hell out of me...Man I’m jealous...Ah I know what I'll do I bottle it up ha-ha that helps all situations.




Hurry up crush me .




I love you…so much that I cant control myself anymore. So much I cant function. So much that I’d die for it……Man that’s rather stalkerish.

"GODDESS"

"Goddess"

I don't think I've ever been so affected by one person in my life...Usually its events that completely turn your life around...well for me its a person.......PERIOD!!!

"ORANGE"

COP MEADE

Cop Meade - We've just recently moved to a new sector i may have mentioned it before but oh well...

Our living conditions have improved immensely. We live in small white trailers with AC and heating its a pretty good deal but they are meant for two people and we have about 4 crammed sometimes 5....kind of cramped but hey im not complaining.


So these past few weeks that i have been back in the trechearous desert. Ive come to realize sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and listen. No matter how bad it hurts to take a beating just sit there and listen. The greatest skill that a man can posses is to listen and learn. Where this came from well, its been kinda boring here we have a three day on three day off rotation. With many patrols of pointless driving with not one clue of a destination. "At one point i found myself having an Iraqi lunch sitting in a house talking battle with an old Saddam army vet. He served his time in the Iran Iraq war in the 90's. Then after he passed me some undercooked chicken i asked him if he was in Desert Storm he had no comment.. Im sure his pride got the best of him. Considering then men hes eating luch with no less then two yrs ago were at each others throats with weapons. This is not longer a conventional war and it hasnt been for quite some time. Anywho no more census which is amazing. But theres one huge problem with this sector....There are no Enemy..there are no firefights like previous deployments. Just farmers and families trying to make a living cultivating the land like its the end of the world.. Oh but there are two enemies i forgot to mention...IED's now these ieds arent your ordinary ieds. There's no trigger man theres no spotter just a pressure wire. the special thing is however the fact that most of these ieds have been placed over two yrs ago in 05 - 06...so now we are getting blown up for no reason at all...theres no one to pursecute there's noone to shoot at no doors to kick in...You just take it and hope to god you come out alive. Lucky for me i havnt experienced one this deployment...Yet!!


The second Enemy - Myself im at a constant struggle to maintain my sanity out here...The petty arguements we get in ; ) are no big deal and at times im a wuss but its like being kicked when your down...its no big deal anyway ive listened to the same CD- AS I LAY DYING's An Ocean Between us about 55 times now and the album is better then ever...But anyway im trying to find ways to occupy my time..i use the internet sure i talk to stephanie..but the stress level we both have is i can tell taking its toll. Just dig deep bite your tongue and get through it....Keep on Keepin on....Her heavy work load...my lack of motivation sometimes well just doesnt mix but that the deployment talking im looking forward to the simple life I'd say.....Meet you there........I love you...even as a panzy....zxzx

Our heads are like a factory filled over capcity = FIRE HAZARD

Okay. Its been quite awhile since ive written on here. Let's see if I still Have it. Im now on the backside of deployment number two. I've done hundreds of patrols but the end is in sight.

Ive recently herd of a word murky. I cannot say i will not say. As far as any person can see life has its ups and downs. The highs are great but only seem to last minutes while the downs lasts for months even yrs. I can only say just take it in strive. And lately its been hard on both of us, but thats or road.

Think of it this way right now we are going through the hardest times in our lives i think.

In regards to my desicion, I have chosen to stay un the military for about a yr and a half past my original contract.. The paper work has been initiated I will be moving to North Carolina and the 82nd Airborne division. So then ive done every type of infantry work avaliable ffrom "Air Assault" to Mechinized to now Airborne its been a wild ride and i think its for the best. Help me get my head straight.

Ok so i got off subject a little. Heavy work loads suck belive me they really can put some intense stress on youre shoulders...But its only going to make you stronger. Theres no way but up...I promise.....

Love


p.s. this is just a warm-up its been quite a while since ive done this i will be back...now that im setteled and have pictures on my wall : ))) KD

Midnight Oil....and a two sided wick

For the past few months ive been deployed to Iraq for the second time. It has its perks and its flaws. Sometimes i wonder what im doing here why im wasting my time, then sometimes I give food out to families, some pens to a bunch of school kids or something...Its a lot different from shooting them unlike last time. Its not a bad wrap.


Anyway many sleepless nights have past, I've gained a few gray hairs and couple more wrinkles around my eyes. Its said that for every year you serve in the infantry you age 3 or something. I think i can prove that someday. Onward these sleepless nights i have where i lay awake in my cot/mattress on a wire frame. My Arabian fan sits on a make shift table made of a bandanna and three sandbags filled to the brim. So I lay awake thinking when this deployments supposed to turn bad, things are supposed to be blowing up and what not. Im gonna say its over, now these people are asking for money and we are giving it to them. Instead of giving it to them why not teach them to run their businesses, markets and what not by themselves. Now thy expect it, so when we do finally leave they are gonna revolt again and again.

On to the midnight oil - I burn midnight oil like its my day job. Staying awake until sunrise is normal these days. It kinda puts some wear and tear on my young mind and body...I feel like im 50 haha. What I do on these nights well thats my secret and I love it. Or maybe thats why i have sleepless nights, anyway who cares. I think the longest stretch of staying awake out here so far is 5 days. I tell you what i crashed on day 6. I lost my appetite, my motivation, I started hallucinating, coughing up blood. Its been fun I cant say that enough. Half way done...

Two sided wick - Lets see my two sided wick I'd probably say its the fact im about to come home Tomorrow! For 18 days. Now Stephanie has mentioned it already and its a barn burner. I so happy i get to see her.. It means the absolute world to me, but the other side of the burning wick says. Well im gonna have to leave again.. That my friends is a terrible thought. Ive already left three times now. How many more will it take to be by her side shitttt!. Its hard not to think about the bad of the situatin but im doing my best. Im about to watch my brother get married, obtain a sister, see my mother, see my pop, and of course see my love... Whats not to like....

You try leaving that...I'd say my wicks burning fast I'd better make the 18 last. nifty huh.

IM LEAVING THIS TOTUREOUS PLACE TOMORROW NIGHT....by way of blackhawk....sweet

Ive turn in my rifle for a month ive packed up my things and ive cleaned myself up.. Ive packed a tooth brush two pairs of ACU's to smeellll nice and some kickass slippers...Its gonna be a wild ride...

I was going over my statistics today with a buddy...And ive found out that i have been on the ground patrolling everyday except for 15 days...thats 115 patrols + last deployment of about 380 days 495 patrols. In a desert....think people will be interested in that on a resume......DING DING....wishful thinking...

Ok enough bitching. I love my job and i have for a long time its just im 22. I've fallen madly in love with an amazing person, and ive been home for max at one time 28 days in the past 4 yrs.. Im tired very very tired. But i love it..It makes me appreciate the fact that im living to see my bros wedding.. I siked.....LETS GO.... ; )


SGT..jgs

Five day Insomnia Binge

So I was on the Internet talking to Stephanie last night for quite some time, its kind of ridiculous how much we are online. To me that's time well spent. Anyway what I'm getting at is we said our goodbyes for the night her afternoon, and then she googled my screen name. That's when you know its a good relationship right, when your counterpart googles your name. So she googles my name and finds all these super old websites of mine when i was a band guru...aka METALLHEAD. My point is I googled hers too, and saw all these pictures of her when she was a sophomore in college and jessus it looked like a blast. So that's what Ive been missing.. Then I saw her spring break pictures 2006 and guess what I said to those. "Oh hey I was deployed then too." What a bummer ha ha.

We walked down her memory lane for a good hour and it was a blast, then I realized i need to take way more picture especially when i come home.

As for the Insomnia...Its been 6 days now and I've had about 7 hours of sleep with the most consecutive time this afternoon. And that's only because I crashed....COMPLETELY DESTROYED. But at night I find myself not going to sleep after visiting with Stephanie. I kind of just wander around our compound looking up at the sky wondering what a normal life would be like. But isn't this my normal life, maybe I'm just not meant for a desk. I'm thinking of all these huge decisions to make in the next yr or so...and its not driving me crazy I love it..Each night I'm surviving off of single hours of sleep. Not a good nights sleep to say the least. But when i do sleep its the best dream you could possibly imagine where no one questions what you are doing no one puts in their two cents. Ugh I;m rambling again. A lot of ppl on this side of the lake say I use the Internet to much, I say well its not my fault Iraq has pulled me so far away my love it tends to make me sick sometimes that i have to settle for a video box for a few hours when all I can think of is what the hell I'm gonna say when i see her.

Back to Insomnia - I wander mouth dry, muscles fatigued, mind weary. Questioning everything I've ever done. This is a daily occurrence for at least 15 minutes..So what 15 times 365. So that's 5475 minutes out of the 21st year of my life dedicated to thinking of what I could be doing....MAN 4 days of thinking that's intense...

Insomnia draped in a little MOON dust.

The best part about Iraq is the stars/moon here's a picture of a good friend of mine..Palmer, a big Brooding black man with a semi-pessimistic outlook on life. I'd say that makes him work just a little harder then most people. Well this is a picture of him with night vision on up against a moonlit backdrop..Pretty damn sweet picture right. I get lucky from time to time.

MooN Dust a floating. Imagine all that being sucked into your lungs. And sometimes you feel the grit in your teeth...That's better then smoking ha ha.

What I'm getting at is, it's so hard to sleep soundly at night when you so far away from all you know when in turn this is becoming all I know. And its frightening, sometimes I want normalcy. But then I realize if it wasn't for 4 yrs in the army at the tender age of 22 and two deployments to a desert forgotten about commercial airlines "they forget to fly over Iraq sometimes ha ha" I would have never run into my driving force I've given up once before "You Know" but its all looking up. And so I say if it takes another 2 deployments and another lifetime to run into her again. I say bring it on. You are worth every second...I promise you that.

8 Days and we get to say we...not I

Introduction....

Days go by and I try to find things or ways to explain my constant battle in this destruction riddled country....naaaa just kidding all that crazy stuff come later. First I have to make sure you are interested enough to go on.

Anyway I was just introduced to the wide world of blogging by the most wonderful person I've ever met. You may know her as Stephanie, she something else huh. Anyway I tend to describe things better in words about what I'm going through or what I'm feeling. Pretty strange for a guy you think, you cant even imagine the rest of it. So through the days of worrying and the constant fight to go on out here in the desert. This is round two of my career in the military its probably going to be a short career considering I'm only 22 years old and have more gray hair then your grandfather. At the tender age of 19 I was deployed as an infantryman to Iraq in small town/city called Bayji. That deployment was something else.. What average civilians would call stupid I called invigorating everyday mortars would rain down on our little compound south of the city. Rockets, tracers, bombs, And suicidal maniacs trying at all costs to take my small life at that time.........Intrigued yet hardly....


ROUND 2

This time around the deployment is far from interesting...I sit around constantly pondering what the fuck I'm doing in this crazy country, wasting my time with census missions, Humanitarian missions, rebuilding things these people could careless about lets put it this way...If its not green in the form of small papers that are worth these peoples family they don't care. Anyway again I sit here draining my energy walking miles upon miles through desert and jungles trying to find small farms south of Baghdad to issue micro grants for a small amount of money so they can waste it on whiskey and ammunition to sell to the supposed insurgents that we haven't seen yet this time ah well KEEP ON TRUCKING...I live for this shit...it makes a snickers bar and a Pepsi all worth it ten fold at the end of the day....

LEAVE t-Minus 9 and counting



Here in about nine days I'm gonna receive a small token of appreciation from our govt.. By way of 18 days to rekindle what Ive lost over the months with the ones I love.
During these 18 days ill visit friends, family, and Of course the one reason I'm over here doing the dirty work Stephanie. You have no idea what its like to look into a small video box the size of a dollar bill on a nightly basis....not that I'm complaining...its just making the real thing so anticipated..its so close I can taste it...we have so mucch planned from concerts to weddings to An all American baseball game...All while being intoxicated and surrounded by FUNNN....To the two of us its our vacation our time to shine our time to love...Its gonna be Badddddassss....And that's just the beginning.